Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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