checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
