I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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