Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
