i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
