I wish I only lived at night.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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