Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
