mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My cat gives me a boner
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
