You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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