I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
