That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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