Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
