4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
