The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
