just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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