I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She bit a glass in half.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
