Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
