Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
