I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
try to milk me bitch
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
