Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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