He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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