and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
