One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
