Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i drank out of a bidet.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
