if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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