his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
