I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
