Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize