just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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