you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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