We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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