I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
