i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
