you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
