I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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