I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
