I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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