I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
