dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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