so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
