Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
