This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize