Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
