I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You made out with two different species that night
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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