Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
