Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
