I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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