Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How's work?
Spinning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
