Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
whose parrot is this?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
