I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
