The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
