I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
