my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
