I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
How's work?
Spinning.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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