haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
