is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
