It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
