Four minutes until I can fart!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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