Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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