I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
