I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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