he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
