he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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