I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just want nice things and good sex
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
