life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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