apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
